Mark Darr has left the lieutenant governor's office after resigning in disgrace over misuse of public and campaign funds, but his staff remains — Chief of Staff Bruce Campbell, Communications Director Amber Pool, Director of Government Relations Josh Curtis and Executive Assistant Raeanne Gardner. In all, these four support staffers cost taxpayers $250,000 per year.
Republicans in the legislature plan to take action to ensure that no special election is held to take Darr's place, leaving the basically worthless office vacant for eleven months. But his staff? Senate President Pro Tem Michael Lamoureux said initially that they should remain employed, even though they'll be supporting an official who doesn't exist. (Later, Lamoureux said he would discuss the issue with fellow legislators and the Senate staff attorney.) That leaves the question — just what will they do to occupy their time? Here are our best guesses.
Not rub Mark Darr's feet. That's for damn sure.
Finally figure out the stinking cheat code at Solitaire. Dominate.
Fulfill important duties of Lt. Gov. Think of an important duty of Lt. Gov.
Spending spree with the state credit card! What's the worst that could happen?
Responding to Freedom of Information requests with new form letter: "There is no information to provide from the Lt. Governor. There is no Lt. Governor."
Burning bag of dog feces outside Matt DeCample's office. Again.
Work day in, day out to repeal Obamacare. Though Darr is gone — the cause endures, the hope still lives and the dream shall never die.
Annual office ping-pong tournament expanded from six weeks to 12.
Someone has to field all the complaints that the non-existent Lt. Governor's staff is being paid on the taxpayer's dime!
Apply a close reading of Jean-Paul Sartre's "Being and Nothingness" to reconcile serving a boss that does not exist.
Revise "Lt. Gov. Annual To-Do List" (current edition is blank page with hand-drawn picture of Darr in Superman costume, dancing on a pizza).
Go-Kart races around the Capitol rotunda.
Drill into a piece of amber with a mosquito in it to extract DNA to clone former Arkansas Lt. Gov. Maurice "Footsie" Britt.
Burn all office records in the Gov. Mike Huckabee Document Incinerator and Polish Sausage Roaster.
Locate and recall the state trooper Darr sent to Kentucky 18 months ago on orders to discover the secret of the 11 herbs and spices.
Salvage unfinished manuscript of "How to Sell Pizza and Influence Pizza."
Sell Darr Scout cookies to help pay off money old boss still owes state.