Columns » Bob Lancaster

Booting booties



If President Obama is still unsure whose ass he needs to be kicking, I've got some nominations.

Here are a few hundred he might warm up with. Not all bad people (or non-people in some cases); some maybe just needing one swiftie, not even hard, barely more than one of Frank's pooch jobs, to encourage them to straighten up and fly right.

First ass on the list, for example, is Sir Elton John's, for having asked a mere $1 million to sing at some vile fatass dope fiend's wedding. Why not $25 million? Why not $50 million? — as if the amount would make any difference to either one of these honky cats? Better a sign around the neck saying, "For the right dough, anything for anybody." (Second ass on the list, insofar as these icky nuptials, would of course be the blushing bride's.)

Off the top of my head, other notable booties that could use a boot: Mike Huckabee's (for Wayne Dumond and Maurice Clemmons). Bart the Bear's (for selling out his artistic integrity by appearing in "The Edge.") Jimmy Carter's (just because). Mine. Kobe Bryant's. Oprah's. Turdblossom's. Phil Hellmuth Jr.'s. Lindsay Lohan's. Christopher Hitchens'. Benedict XVI's. Jerry Jones'. Algonquin J. Calhoun's. Dennis Miller's. Daddy Joe Jackson's. Jon Lord's. The K Street regulars'. The C Street Family's.

Sally Quinn's. Robert Henderson's. Yours, if you've squandered valuable time with one of Newt Gingrich's faux-historical love novels. (You've probably kicked your own ass sufficiently for this one.) John Thain's. Lee Raymond's. Pat Boone's. Donald Trump's. Ralph Reed's. Donald E. Wildmon's. Carrie Prejean's. Dick Armey's. Dick Cheney's. His girl's. Harry Whittington's (for not shooting back). Michael Isikoff's. Elisabeth Hasselbeck's. Hedley Lamarr's. Flo Rida's. Joshua Hanke's. Amity Schlaes'. Chuck Norris'. Uncle Henry's.

David Vitter's and the D.C. Madam's. Eliot Spitzer's and Ashley Dupre's. Mark Foley's and various of his young things'. George Rekers' and his luggage lifter's. John Edwards' and his strumpet's. Mark Sanford's and his firecracker's. John Ensign's and his slut's. Dick Morris' and his favorite toesuckers'. Eldridge Woods' and his whores'. Ted Haggard's and his, uh, masseur's. David Blankenhorn's. Phil Gramm's

Scott Roeder's. Angelo Mozilo's. Tom Coughlin's. Fred Hiatt's. Fred Phelps'. Robert Allen Stanford's. Ryan Seacrest's. Ron Blagojevich's. Wes Pruden's. Kenneth W. Starr's. Kenneth I. Starr's. Anna Wintour's. Curt Schilling's. Kate Gosselin's. The Octomom's. Dean Vernon Wormer's. David J. Lesar's. J-Woww Farley's, Snooki Polizzi's, and The Situation's.

Michael D. Brown's. Bernard Goldberg's. Lance Ito's. Grover Norquist's. Uncle Al's, for that episode with the scouts, and countless others. Casey Anthony's. Edward Klein's. Wayne LaPierre's. Thomas H. Donohue's. Tony Alamo's. Fred Barnes'. Ron Fournier's. Ron Paul's. His boy's. Thomas J. Olmsted's. Jeremiah Wright's. Billy Bob T.'s. John Roberts'. Houston Nutt's. Terry Bradshaw's. Jake Knotts'. Ben Stein's. Tom Cruise's.

Dick Vitale's. David Beckham's. Dick Fuld's. Tony Hayward's. Kenneth Copeland's and the demure Gloria's. Dana Perino's. Ben Roethlisberger's. Arthur Laffer's. Mr. Hand's. Mr. Bill's. Mel Gibson's. Martha Stewart's. Christian Bale's. Vince McMahon's. James Cameron's. Gordon Robertson's.

Bryan Moynihan's. John Mack's. Larry Kudlow's. Rick Santelli's. Richard Fairbank's. Lloyd Blankfein's. Jamie Dimon's. Samuel Alito's. Mark Kirk's. Tim LaHaye's. Gordon Ramsay's. Franklin Graham's. The Dalai Lama's. Mort Zuckerman's. Maureen Dowd's. Rupert Murdoch's. James Dobson's.

Chris Brown's. Jimmy Swaggert's and his whores'. Orly Taitz's. Jim Bunning's. Joe Liebermann's. Jay Leno's. Sally Field's. Larry King's. Roy Moore's. Adam Sandler's. Holly Hunter's (because she just won't wash that hair). Ben Wheeler's. Richard Roberts'. Jeff Gerth's. Judith Miller's.

Joe "You Lie" Wilson's. Joe "The Plumber" Wurzelbacher's. Cameron Douglas'. The Printer Lady's. The entire McLaughlin Group's. Robert Blake's. Greta Von Susteren's and John Coale's. Erik D. Prince's. Sharon Osborne's. Dane Cook's. Jared Leto's. Willard Proctor's. Maury Povich's. Michael Vick's. Megan Fox's. Shia LaBeouf's. Todd Purdum's. Laura Schlessinger's.'s.

Barbara Cargill's, Ken Mercer's, Terri Leo's, Geraldine Miller's, Cynthia Dunbar's, Gail Lowe's, and Don McLeroy's.

Don't feel bad if you don't recognize most of those names. You might should feel bad if you do recognize too many of them. You could look them up but I should warn you that can be a depressing experience. They are mostly sorry politicians, moron entertainers, fool athletes, pisspoor journalists, mountebanks, rabble-rousers, escaped lunatics, clerics and thumpers with crooked haloes. Several are CEOs of companies you've had to bail out and whose giant bonuses you continue to bankroll one way or another. Some are felons who if they're not in jail ought to be. One made the list merely for having written "Smoke on the Water." The last seven are the most seriously insane members of the Texas School Board of Education, the last one being the dentist who heads up the board and is its biggest or next biggest nut.

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