If you've read this column regularly, or even occasionally, you're surely sick and tired of all my bitching about what a sorry century this is turning out to be.
It's the worst century since the 14th. Maybe the worst since the one back in the Dark Ages when the monster Grindl and his horrible old momma would come up and eat all the good people.
What you might not have known, though — and I didn't know this myself, and wouldn't know it yet but for the great volume of political campaign literature that has come my way in recent weeks — is that it's all Bill Clinton's fault.
Not just some of it. All of it. Every single social ill (or any other kind of ill) of the Century 21 is directly traceable to something that Bill Clinton did or left undone, or said or failed to say, or botched or mishandled, mostly back in Century 20 and mostly because he had his mind on other, nasty things.
That's a pretty remarkable claim but there's plenty of evidence to back it up. Good evidence too. Better than any that Kenneth Starr spent $50 million not to come up with.
Let's just go down the list.
It was Bill Clinton who thought up subprime lending. He and that dwarf in his Cabinet thought it up as a way to help more Negro people become homeowners, thus strengthening his base. Talk radio and some harridan congresscritter broke this news just the other day so you know it has to be true.
Male pattern baldness is Bill Clinton's fault. Ask G. Gordon Liddy if you don't believe me.
Nine-eleven was Bill Clinton's fault, as Bro. Jerry and Bro. Pat explained at the time.
This summer's explosive proliferation of dog-peter gnats is Bill Clinton's fault, as he was the one who made it acceptable, even for dogs, to, as the young folks say, “let it all hang out.”
Afghanistan is Bill Clinton's fault. Everything about Afghanistan, which means the Pat Tillman debacle is his fault too. And their B.O. And how they treat women.
Sarah Palin's daughter's delicate condition is Bill Clinton's fault. Maybe not directly, but then again.
It's Bill Clinton's fault that the mountain of debt weighing down on us is causing the nation so much discomfort. We got soft during all that solvency he brought upon us. His surpluses were such that we thought even an imbecile successor couldn't squander it all, but sure enough one did.
It's Bill Clinton's fault that Vioxx is no longer available. This is the one I'm sorest about personally. Literally and otherwise.
Man isn't responsible for global warming. Bill Clinton is. That means he's to blame for all these hurricanes, too. Which means he's to blame for last month's big gouge at the gas pumps. Son-of-a-bitch.
It wasn't Putin rearing his head over Alaska as Sarah Palin thought. It was Bill Clinton doing God knows what.
He's responsible for the recent e. coli outbreak, for the big national bedbug infestation, for the snakehead fish invasion, for the disappearance of all the bees and frogs. For fluoridation. For the DaVinci Code.
It's his fault that the Razorbacks wound up with a football team like this. If you want to know exactly how it's his fault, ask Wally to ask his editorial-page people. They're the experts in this field. This field of locoweed.
Bill Clinton was behind it every time Geraldo Rivera or Dan Rather came off looking like idiots. He had Elvis killed, and at least 47 other people, fully documented at screwloose.com. He got up that Mission Accomplished sign, knowing the hoorawing Bush would take credit for it.
Blogs are Bill Clinton's fault. He didn't invent them. Al Gore invented them. But without his power to inspire wacked-out imbeciles to want to share their hallucinations with others of their ilk worldwide, blogs would've gone the way of good manners, good grammar, good grooming, and minding your own business.
The black magic in the Harry Potter books is just a metaphor for Bill Clinton's evil influence on current events. Seventy-eight percent of National Enquirer readers think he's the Antichrist, and damned if I'd bet against it. Watch for signs that he's sprouting a tail.
He's the one who told Sarah Palin — and never mind the circumstances in which they discussed such stuff as this — that she could deflect just about all the tough questions by answering, “You betcha!”
He tried to deprive such upstanding American sportsmen as Timothy Dale Johnson, Mitchell Johnson, Andrew Golden, Eric Harris, Dylan Kiebold, Seung-Hui Cho, John Allen Muhammad, Lee Boyd Malvo, Charles Carl Roberts IV, and Dick Cheney of their constitutional gun rights, but they showed him.
It was Bill Clinton who thought up the campaign to force all the store clerks to say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.”
If he'd been a better role model, Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, and Roger Clemens never would've needled up, and we might still have some heroes.