Columns » Bob Lancaster

Bad theories

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I’ve been reading the Good Book and have discovered it does indeed disallow the theory of evolution and most other theories as well. For instance, the Big Bang theory. Big Bang supposes a Big Banger, and the Bible likes that, but it also suggests that the creation was a messy, chaotic business, like some hippie artist’s workshop, with the Creator making it up as he went along. The Book says it didn’t happen that way a-tall. He had a plan in mind even before there was such a thing as a plan, before there was anything period except his incipient good intentions. Even in that planless nothing, he already knew he’d one day have to steer a cyclone that was threatening the 700 Club onto a different path just to get Bro. Pat Robertson to shut up about it. That’s what the Bible means when it says he works in mysterious ways. He knew before the first jackass ever brayed that that great hurricane of football-game prayers would come bawling in his direction also. Surely that occasioned the first sigh. Another for instance, the theory of relativity. Relativity is just another name for situation ethics, which means everybody can just do what they want to and not worry about it. This isn’t what Einstein intended it to mean, but the ramifications and implications just glommed onto the theory without his consent. So it came to pass that if you believe in relativity, it’s the same as saying you don’t believe in Absolute Truth. Good sanctimonious family-values Christians know there is, too, such a thing as absolute truth. It’s what we use to tell right from wrong, and to whomp our children with when they get them mixed up. And because it is absolute truth and not some pitiful-ass relative truth, we can whomp them as hard and as often as we want to without it looking like hypocrisy. Another example of a theory the Bible is 100 percent against is the Abortion Theory. This theory says abortions are OK and not a gruesome sin which will get you sent straight to Hell, which of course they are and will. The Abortion Theory was thought up by the U.S. Supreme Court, which is the nine-headed beast the Bible talks about in Revelation. The opposite of Abortion Theory is Anti-Abortion Theory, which says your basic fetus is already endowed with its government-guaranteed rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness even when it’s still too small for the naked eye. (You wouldn’t want to be peering in there on it, anyway, I wouldn’t think.) It’s OK to teach the Anti-Abortion theory in the schools because it’s not really theory; it’s scientific fact. The electron microscope has shown fetuses only one day old nodding yes when asked if they’d like to invoke their Miranda rights. So Anti-Abortion Theory is part of that Absolute Truth mentioned above, otherwise known as Intelligent Design, and as far as the Bible is concerned, it’s fine. The Bible doesn’t like Stem Cell Theory, either. You might haul me up here to say, “Whoa, BJ, they didn’t know about stem cells or any other kind of cells back when the Bible was written. Those old stinkers wouldn’t have known a stem cell if it had jumped up out of the bulrushes and bit them.” But you’d just be showing your ignorance. Because while those smelly goatherds and cave-hermit scribes might’ve written the words down, they didn’t think them up. We know who did that, and it was somebody already well versed in the use of stem cells, thank you very much. Stem Cell Theory says stem cells are just little bitty pieces of meat and it’s all right to chop them up or puree them to help cure people with terrible and life-threatening diseases. The way they work is like very small living-meat Band-Aids. It’s all right to torture them, separate them from their other family members, and do other Nazi and slave-trader experimental things to them, if there’s a good reason for it. The Bible condemns this theory, and so of course do Republicans and Christians, who believe that stem cells have their constitutional rights too and possibly individual souls. At least they have soul forms for their souls to grow into, if the Nazi choicers don’t get to them first. Yet another theory that reaps Scriptural scorn is the one that says we’re all equally obligated to eschew cussing. It just isn’t so. Certain p.c.’s who are special favorites of the Creator can cuss all they want. So Solomon could do all that nipple rhapsodizing, Jonah could tell the big fish to eat him, Paul could call whoever he wanted to a whoremonger, and David was allowed to describe Goliath to his squad leader as “the biggest mf they’ve got over there.” The Almighty merely let such bawdy talk pass, the same as he did for Bush calling reporters a-holes and his top aide something worse, and for the veep telling senators to go … well, you know what he said. The Republican Prerogative is a name for the belief that God rather enjoys the manliness of such manly GOP talk. Bro. Falwell likes to point out that the relevant commandment forbids bearing false witness, not coarse witness.

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