Columns » Bob Lancaster

A.’s in search of Q.’s



Here's another current-events test, this one based on the old Jeopardy premise of my telling you the answer and you supplying the question.

It's multiple choice, so there might be more than one correct answer per question. There'll be at least one, however.

OK, here are the answers:

1. (a) Praying and hymn-singing. (b) Witnessing and giving personal testimony. (c) Getting in-house counseling from the resident senator-gynecologist-deacon for lapses into (d). (d) Whorehopping. (e) Providing alibis for horndog colleagues involved in (d), asking parents to pay hush money for (d), and other (d)-related initiatives.

2. (a) The nightly Putin-rise has wacked her out. (b) She wants more quality nana time with the bastard. (c) Time on the job is time lost to shooting wolf babies. (d) She's employing some of that famous GOP strategery for 2012. (e) When a window opens in Ultima Thule, a gal wants to retch through it and snatch all she can before it closes again.

3. (a) Eleven. (b) Twelve. (c) At the onset of menstruation. (d) Four. (e)  To this prick, nubility has no lower age limit — and death doesn't necessarily establish an upper limit, either.

4. (a) “I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it people like me.” (b) “You can call me Al.”  (c) “I feel right at home with all the other comedians on this committee.” (d) “O the things I know!” (e) “What was the only case Perry Mason lost?”

5. (a) Payouts to jackpot winners. (b) Scholarships. (c) Hardware and startup. (d) Taxes. (e) Humongo salaries for one and all.

6. (a) Trying to polish up his pronunciation, grammar, and etiquette by watching old Andy episodes featuring Goober and Ernest T. Bass. (b) Trying to remember the Vietnam years, but still a blur. (c) Wondering what this “legacy” thing is. (d) Wondering why they always liked Jeb best and made no secret of it. (e) Abjectly following the dog around with a pooper-scooper, thinking “I was president. Look at me now.”

7. (a) It's the number of times so far that a fellow inmate has instructed Bernie Madoff to bend over and squeal like a pig. (b) It's how many Duggar young'uns there are. (c) It's Glenn Beck's IQ. (d) It's the number of toes that Dick Morris will suck or have sucked on a typical night. (e) It's how many lengths Rachel Alexandra won the Kentucky Oaks by.

8. (a) “And that's the way it is.”  (b)“Good night and good luck.”  (c) “Courage!” (d) “Keep it out of the mud.” (e) “Same bat time, same bat channel.”

9. (a) “Wadn't nothing strange about your daddy.” (b) “Wadn't nothing strange about all them ghouls in ‘Thriller.'”  (c) “Wadn't nothing strange about J. Edgar Hoover all dolled up as ‘Mary.' ” (d) “Wadn't nothing strange about Cousin Itt.” (e) “Wadn't nothing strange about Mr. Hat pressuring Mr. Garrison to kill Kathie Lee Gifford on ‘South Park.'”

10.  (a) “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.” (b) “Harry Potter and the Purple Rain Prince.” (c) “Harry Potter and the Prince Who Wanted to Be a Tampon” (d) “Harry Potter and the Prince Named Blanket.” (e) “Harry Potter and the Prince Albert Tobacco Can with the Peehole.”

11. (a) Flomax. (b) Rogaine. (c) Viagra. (c) Cialis. (e) Natural male enhancement.

12. (a) The heel off one of his red Prada loafers. (b) His wrist. (c) His elbow in the same place where Hillary cracked hers. (d) His New Year's resolution not to curse when adversity occurs, despite recent medical evidence that it's therapeutic. (e) The bubble on the Popemobile.

13. (a) He wants us to go to Mars. (b) He wants us to go back to the moon and launch a new search for Moon Maid. (c) He wants us to boldly go where no one has gone before. (d) He'd like us to find the matriarchal planet Booboo in the Crab Nebula (first reported by Kurt Vonnegut) and go there. (e) He wants us to try one more time to outsmart those Charleton Heston apes.

14.  (a) Niger. (b) Nigeria. (c) Somewhere that starts like that. (d) Somewhere in what Gov. Palin calls “the country of Africa.” (e) Somewhere disqualifyingly en route.

15. (a) Any more bullshit excuses from Mike Ross. (b) Anything else from Newt Gingrich. (c) Anything else about who or what was in that $25,000 casket. (d) Any more sportspage flattery of Jerry Jones for pocketing billions ripped off from ratepayers and then taxpayers.

16. (a) Gang of Six. (b) Gang of Four. (c) Gang that Couldn't Shoot Straight. (d) Our Gang. (e) Gangbusters.

17. (a) Quagga or zebra mussels. (b) Northern snakehead fish. (c) Fire ants. (d) Bull thistles.(e) Tommy Robinson.

18. (a) Poke in the eye with a sharp stick. (b) Hacking cough. (c) Hunting trip with Dick Cheney. (d) Timeshare at a Pine Bluff vacation resort. (e) Making a donation to Sen. Blanche Lincoln that will put my name in a hopper to win a drawing in which the top prize is to sit at Sen. Lincoln's table at another fund-raising event.

19. (a) The tomatoes. (b) The lettuce. (c) The bacon. (d) The mayonnaise. (e) The bread.

20. (a) Off a doorknob. (b) In an airplane. (c) Somebody sneezing. (d) Sharing a licorice whip. (e) In a hospital. By far.








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