Columns » Bob Lancaster

All of the above

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Q. Name someone who might have made an even worse president than George W. Bush.

A. OK, a few that come to mind, leaving out the obvious ones: Dan Quayle. Phil Hellmuth. Someone with priapism. Vince McMahon. Phyllis Schlafly. Dean Vernon Wormer. J. Edgar Hoover, aka Mary Hoover. Ezra Pound. Typical Utahan. Ned Flanders. Carry Nation. Kenneth Tomlinson. Roy Cohn. Mark Foley. James Frey. Leander Perez Sr. Spiro Agnew. Simon Legree. L. Ron Hubbard. Fred Hiatt. Edmund Klein. Tom Delay. Kobe Bryant. Randall Terry. Bay Buchanan. Billy James Hargis. Jerry Lee Lewis. R. Emmett Tyrell Jr. Bill McCartney. Prince Frederick van Anhalt. Rupert Murdock. Pat Boone. Grover Norquist. Willard Clinton. Precious Flowers. Katherine Harris. Bill Kristol. James Earl Ray. Either nitwit Simpson sister. Either fool Limbaugh brother. Hickman Ewing. Either L. Brent Bozell. Wayne Dumond before gelding. Wayne Dumond afterward, and his best bud who sprung him (you know who you are). David O. Dodd. Mike “Heckuva Job” Brown. Richard Mellon Scaife. Robert Novak. Gary Bauer. Robert L. Bartley. Guy with herpes in TV commercial and staying-around girlfriend who stupidly thinks she won’t get it. Pat Robertson’s goofy boy. Tommy Robinson. Gen. James Mattoon Scott. Curt Schilling. Mother Soprano. Dan Burton. Idiot Sonic ad guys, not funny either. Jesse Helms. Clark Griswold. Douglas MacArthur. George Hearst. Dick Morris or whore who sucks his toes. Either brainy Menendez brother. John Chivington. Eddie Haskell. Britney Spears’ twat. Lt. Commander Philip Francis Queeg. Terrell Owens. Johnny Wadd. Bill Bennett. Jim Bruton. Any American Idol winner. Sally Quinn. Any American Idol contestant. Jim Bob Duggar, who just couldn’t spare the time. James Dobson. Paige Patterson. Any American Idol judge. Rexella Van Impe. James Boulder. Matt Drudge. Fred Barnes. Mayor Larry Vaughn. Tony Montana and his leetle friend.

Q. Name someone you’re reasonably sure would have been a better president than George W. Bush.

A. Terri Schiavo. Ernest P. Worrell. Ernest T. Bass. Benjamin Franklin. Judith Sheindlin. John Rambo. Guy Caballero. Ignatius J. Reilly. Merkin Mufflley. Cesar Millan. Harvey Levin. Kinky Friedman. Fred Rogers. Lewis Black. Charles Barkley. Forrest Gump. T.S. Garp. Curly Howard. Bobby Lounge. Satan. Woody Guthrie. Hedley Lamarr. Gabby Johnson. Larson E. Whipsnade. Mickey Spillane. Brooks Hays. Dale Bumpers. Thurston Howell III. Cpl. Manual Dexterity. Larry “Bud” Melman. Larry Obsitnik, whose candle burned at both ends. Leon Spinks. Clifton Clowers. Buford Pusser. H.E. Harvey. Mother Maybelle Carter. Jim McDougal. Mamie Ruth Williams. Bill Cosby. Tyler Bone. Ogden Nash. James W. Lancaster. Oliver Hardy (to Cheney: “Well, Dick, this is another fine mess you’ve gotten us into”). Death By Inches. Bobby Knight. Carl Childers. Sherman Potter. Martha Mitchell. Nathan Detroit. Mutt Jones. Matt Jones. Hot Roberts. Walter Mitty. Sapphire Stevens. Jose Jiminez. Elwood P. Dowd. Bo Diddley. Kilgore Trout. Butterfly McQueen. Reuben Cogburn. Algonquin J. Calhoun. Larry, Darrell or Darrell. Joe Howard Williams. Col. Harlan Sanders. Eric Cartman. Atticus Finch. Al Yankovic. Cheech Marin or his cousin Dwayne. Art Fern. Barry Goldwater. W.D. “Bud” Pride. Snidely Whiplash. Will Kane or Frank Miller either one. Anna Tayman. Clarence “Frogman” Henry. Bob Dole. Bob Newhart. Alvin York. Geneva Overholser. Bobby Blue Bland. Art Porter. Chris Finkbeiner. Homer or Jethro. Billy Carter. Eddie Haskell. Crazy Guggenheim. Mighty Joe Young. Archie Campbell. Flem Snopes. Satchel Paige. Hazel Motes. All right, just about anybody not named in Part 1. All right, them too.

Q. Name a place that George W. Bush would have been better advised to invade than Iraq.

A. Doodyville. Grenada. Cuba (wouldn’t have to send captured POWs very far). Aruba. Margaritaville. Never Never Land. Twilight Zone. Smallville. Whoville. Oz. Lilliput. Lower Slobbovia. Shangri-La. Narnia. Horse Latitudes. Wonderland. Winter Wonderland. Goa. Panama. Spongebob’s Imagination. Slough of Despond. Russia in the winter. Parador. Ork. Asteroid B-612. Fiume. Tralfamador. Guam. Lotus Eater Land. Land o’ Goshen. Vast Wasteland. Gulag Archipelago. Seacoast of Bohemia. Kahokia. Redneck Riviera. Disney World. Waterworld. Westworld. Wally World. Underworld. Inner Sanctum. Birnam Wood.Vulcan. Sweet By and By. Neutral Zone. Bermuda Triangle. Transylvania. Brobdingnag. Beulah Land. Low Countries. Island of Dr. Moreau. Skull Island. Fantasy Island. Nod. Gaul. Oceania/Eurasia. Atlantis. Mosquito Coast. Portugal. Llano Estacado. Heart of Darkness. Northumbria. Lydia. Bird Dookey Islands off Peru. Ponderosa. Oompa Loompa Land. Outback. Vietnam. Micronesia. Butcher Holler. Llanoria. Erewhon.

(Lists still under construction and revision. Your nominations invited.)

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