Columns » Bob Lancaster

Afterwords

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Conventional wisdom (followed in parentheses by geezer muttering of a kind that readers of this column have come to expect).

It's never too late. (Yes, it is.)

It's not over till it's over. (At the risk of repeating myself, yes, it is. Whether the Fat Lady has sung or not.)

It's not the heat, it's the humidity. (No, it's the heat.)

It's not whether you win or lose but how you play the game. (No, it's whether you win or lose.)

Know thyself. (No, thanks.)

Love they neighbor. (That one, OK. That one, OK. That one, jury's still out. That one, can't see it. That one, not gonna happen. That one, no way, Jose.  Etc.)

It's always darkest before the dawn. (No, it's always darkest just after the power goes out and you can't orient yourself and you know if you ever feel your way to the flashlight that the batteries will be dead.)

There are no atheists in foxholes. (That's where all the smart ones are.)

The best things in life are free. (Some of them are. Not the Wild Turkey.)

Beating on the vending machine won't help. (Yeah, it will. It's the only thing that will.)

Honesty is the best policy. (It is if your object is keeping your story straight.)

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. (No, it usually starts with a phone call.)

Philosophy bakes no bread. (Yeah, but, Bud Abbott says you can loaf down at the bakery and get paid for it.)

It's better to give than to receive. (Depends. Kicks in the arse with a hobnail boot, yes.)

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. (What it really does is make the crotch begin to itch. Or the crouch, as Judge Mathis calls it.)

Stupid is as stupid does.  (And some of us does it so much better than others.)

There's no "I" in teamwork. (No, but there is in prick.)

Enough is enough. (Case in point to the contrary: Duggars.)

It's the thought that counts. (Don't know where that idea came from. Not from a Huckabee gift registry, that's for sure.)

There's no fool like an old fool. (Age has nothing to do with it. Political affiliation, though — you betcha.)

You can't teach an old dog new tricks. (But all else failing, you can get him a pump.)

We have nothing to fear but fear itself. (Maybe so, if you can accommodate to the idea of fear having a self.)

The guilty dog always barks. (All the sons-a-bitches bark.)

Snow on the roof doesn't mean there's not a fire in the furnace. (Yes, it does.)

Fortune favors the bold. (Nah, it's a rat-race, then we all croak.)

Marry in haste, repent at leisure. (Only in certain jurisdictions, though, if you're gay.)

Faith can move mountains. (Maybe for you. I can't even get it to work on molehills.)

Look before you leap. (Or just don't leap.)

Tomorrow is another day. (Yeah, they just keep on a-comin'.)

The truth is out there. (And keeping company with a bad crowd.)

You can run but you can't hide. (Comes a time when you can't run either.)

It's better to look good than to feel good. (Comes a time when this one just makes a body laugh.)

There's no free lunch. (But some places your drink and dessert are free with the buffet.)

Don't cut off your nose to spite your face. (That's a plan, now.)

Two heads are better than one. (Debatable if they're both yours.)

It could be worse. (Aye, Gingrich-Bachmann '12.)

If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. (But hurry, while operators are standing by.)

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. (Better yet, execute a hostile takeover.)

If the shoe fits, wear it. (Although if you Spooner the shoe and the fit, it's funnier.)

Don't ask silly questions. (You think Jesus really loves Jerry Jones?)

You can't judge a book by its cover. (If the name of the author is on there, you usually can.)

You can tell a man by the cut of his jib. (Yocks about Peyronie's are so passé.)

Seeing is believing. (Au contraire. I saw Glen Campbell's DWI mug shot and still don't believe it.)

Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining. — Judge Judy's motto. (Or: Don't pee on my leg, period.)

Birds of a feather flock together. (Usually in the branches right over my car.)

Mind your manners. (Or he's liable to go off and butler for somebody else.)

Don't add insult to injury. (Unless the one you want to insult is so badly injured he can't get up, chase you down, and beat the crap out of you. I think this is called getting your just deserts. Don't know the reference — perhaps the Gobi, or lemon-meringue pie.)

When in Rome do as the Romans do. (But when in Pine Bluff, try to set a little higher standard.)

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