Dear Donald Trump: Please, please, PLEASE pick Tom Cotton as your running mate | Street Jazz

Dear Donald Trump: Please, please, PLEASE pick Tom Cotton as your running mate


Oh, and while you are at it, could you please make sure that Gary Busey gets to give a major policy speech at the GOP convention? That would be huge, sir, just huge.

But back on the subject of Tom Cotton - the Arkansas Senator, and not the Hobbit Tom Cotton from the Shire - I believe he may well be the most perfect, the best, the most amazing, the most terrific decision you could make in this regard.

It would, to quote a great American philosopher, be huge.

Why Tom Cotton?

He’s the perfect balance for you, sir. Where you wave your arms around and make the most charming faces and tell us all about the disgusting things you have heard that day, Tom Cotton is emotionally flat. He is just sort of, well, there.

But, like you, he is unpredictable. He is liable to say the most amazing things. Why, the man took it upon himself to write a letter to Iran, telling them not to take this treaty business all that seriously, cuz, like, Obama wouldn’t be around forever.

Look out, Latveria! Look out, Grand Fenwick! Tom Cotton’s in the house!

Tom Cotton believes that Mid-Eastern terrorists are getting way too cozy with some of our less desirable neighbors to the South of us. he could bolster your arguments for building that tremendous, huge wall.

And it hasn’t gone unnoticed that while your audiences cheer wildly with chants of “USA! USA! USA!” when you say just about anything, they are noticeably silent whenever you speak of the victims of the Orlando mass shooting.

Tom Cotton could bring them cheering to their feet, simply by reminding us all that folks who don’t practice a more orthodox form of sexuality often meet grisly fates in some Muslim countries.

“Just be grateful we aren’t throwing you off buildings,” could be one of his catchy campaign slogans. It would go great on a bumper sticker.

Of course, the same argument could be used for anyone who feels disenfranchised - aren’t you glad you aren’t being put to death, he could cry out at campaign rallies?

Well, not cry out, exactly, because as has already been noted, he isn’t the most charismatic guy in the United States Senate.

Or on Earth, for that matter.

But he’d balance you out very nicely, sir.

And think of this tremendous possibility - with Tom Cotton prone to say anything at all that pops into his head, it might take some of that disgusting mainstream media attention away from you. He has all sorts of fascinating views, all the way from prisons to the social safety net.

It’s a win/win, sir. A huge, win/win, if I may venture to say.

Well, except if you actually win, I suppose.


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Quote of the Day

“You know, I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe." Marcus Cole, Ranger, to Doctor Franklin (A Late Delivery from Avalon/Babylon 5)

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