In the interests of world peace, making friends and just because I have a perverse sense of humor, I have begun responding to some of the people who send me exciting new offers over the Internet.
No, I’m not going to send them any money; that would put our relationships on a purely shallow level, and I wouldn’t insult them like that.
Instead, I have been writing short notes in response to their intriguing emails.
True, in the past I’d respond to offers of smuggling Saddam Hussein’s gold out of Iraq with a typical - “Why are you sensing this to an FBI agent?” but, you know, you soon get tired of that.
I once made the mistake of pointing out to someone claiming to be a “Sargent” in the United States Army that I suspected that a real member of the military might be able to spell his rank correctly, and got an amazingly long letter about this poor man’s poor life and his Christian upbringing, but the fun sort of went out of it after I got to the end of the badly written email.
Speaking of religion, it’s amazing how many wish to play upon the faith of those getting their emails.
Basically, it goes like this:
Hi, I am the widow of ______ who managed to embezzle millions (millions, I say!) of dollars worth of his country’s treasury before his death from a terrible disease. But the embezzlement is okay, because he was, after all, stealing it from a brute of a dictator anyway.
So, I have been given your name - even though the email is not actually addressed to you - and I’d kinda like to know if, if the spirit of mutual Christianity, you’d like to help me commit several felonies and bring the money out of the country.
What if you are not Christian, but a member of another faith, or even an atheist who might like to commit a bit of larceny? Is your help turned away?
I wrote back to one such person, pointing out the problem here, but got no response.
I did get one nice letter a few weeks ago, when a young woman wrote a letter saying that she heard that I was a pretty nice guy, and maybe I’d like to perhaps enter into a relationship with her?
Well, who can turn down an offer like that?
Sadly for my love life - besides the fact that, like the second Mrs. Gingrich, my wife is also not into open marriages - “she” made the mistake of also including the rather lengthy list of pretty much everybody else she had made the same offer to. Suddenly, I didn’t so special.
I wrote back, saying, “I am tempted, but I fear you may not have much time for me, given your interest in all of these other people.”
This earned me another rare reply, with a photograph of a beautiful young African woman, and a short general , “this is my life story, wouldn’t you love to love me?” offer, but my heart just wasn’t in it.
I’m just a one-scammer man, I suppose. I can’t share.
Last week I got a nice one informing me that someone’s divorce case was having American problems, and that my firm had come highly recommended - could I help?
I thought it over and typed back, “ I’d love to help, but I’m just not sure how I can, since I am a plumber!”
I have not gotten a reply, which shows a certain lack of initiative on their part, I think.
My pen pal relationships with my new friends are all-too-brief, but they bring me a little happiness while they last. I’ll treasure them all.
Quote of the Day
October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February. - Mark Twain