by Robert Bell
Even the most Godless, America-hating, terrorist-coddling, climate-change-insisting, gun-grabbing, Kenyan-born-president-supporting, lamestream-media-believing, big-government-loving, tofu-dog-eating, tinfoil-hat-mocking, wealth-redistributing, latte-sipping, hybrid-driving, capital-"L" Liberals love a bitchin' fireworks display. They can't even help it, overpowered as they are by the expression of our nation's singular badassness via the radiant splendor of bombs bursting in air. Now don't even bother trying to verify that statement with any so-called evidence, because it's not based on some egghead professor's junk science. Rather, it's purely a bald, faith-based assertion by a Real American, and is therefore undeniably true. Don't forget to vote in the finals for Oh, Say! Can You Sing? at 6:30 p.m. (Democracy!). Amphitheater seating is first-come, first-served (Manifest Destiny!), but bring a blanket or folding chair (Pull Yourself Up By Your Bootstraps!). No pets and no coolers, as vendors will be selling refreshments (The Free Market!). And even though it seems like some sorta socialist handout, it's free to get in. Cash and non-perishable food donations will be accepted on behalf of hunger relief organization Arkansas Rice Depot.