True Blood: As worthless as tits on a turtle | Rock Candy

True Blood: As worthless as tits on a turtle

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Ugh. Same song, different verse.

Despite the mid-season promise of a battle royale between vampire royalty, Sookie's suitors and werewolves, not only did none materialize in the season finale, just about every plot turn was unsatisfying or downright dumb.

Except, of course, the big, long overdue Bill reveal. We've known he'd be outed as a spy forever, but it was still a little bit thrilling to see him flying out of Sookie's front door as she banished him. It'll be interesting to see how his character evolves now that his courtly Southern vampire act has been exposed. Even knowing that he was capable of treachery, it was still pretty shocking to see him try to kill Eric.

Vampire powers sidenote: What's with his ability to perfectly mimic Eric's voice? Is this some latent vampire power? Also, in a sexless episode, the best we got is that Bill's ability to not gorge Sookie is "tantric." Steely like Sting, yo.

Otherwise, lots of groan-worthy stuff on characters taking deep, life altering looks in the mirror: The shimmering ghost of the Messiah Godric appears to Eric and convinces him to spare Russell. Peace and forgiveness and what not. Die already, Godric, to never rise again and lend Eric too much compassion. Sookie continues to be the vehicle through which the audience expresses its frustration: After Eric tells her to go retrieve burnt-pinata-looking Russell, she says, "You want me to go get the guy who wants to kill us all and bring him inside?” Yeah, I'm not buying it either.

Also, Sam tells Tara he's a shapeshifter. He's proud of who he is, you see. Tara is supernaturaled out, tired of people dying near her in the parking lot of Merlotte's and upset that her mother's boinking the pastor (small potatoes relative not just to the other stuff, but a life with a drug addict for a mom, right?), so she cuts her hair and heads out of town. Hooray! Sam, meanwhile, appears to have calmed a bit. He makes amends with Terry and small talks with Lafayette, but when he finds that Tommy's stolen his loot, he gets all Franken-Sam again and, in one of several fairly boring cliffhangers, appears to shoot his long, lost bro. Again, Sam's descent into derangement feels terribly contrived.

Also, also, Lafayette is totally seeing things (like Renee telling him his demon spawn is inside of Arlene) and freaking out. Jesus comes to console him, tells him he's a bru (a bro-witch) and promises him everything's going to be cool. Which somehow makes everything OK. Lafayette: You a witch who's a nurse who's a dude? Oh shit, I guess I lucked out then."

And, because it totally makes sense that Crystal's brother/fiance would shoot his brother/cousin and father/father-in-law and not the guy who stole his sister/fiance, beat him up and exposed his drug ring, Jason is now the leader of a flock of in-bred werepanthers. This, for sheer ridiculousness, is what I'll be looking forward to next year.

Until then, with fingers-crossed that we won't have to spend too much time with Sookie in the soft-lit, Maxi-pad commercial from the '80s that is fairyland.

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