by Lauryn Smith
Well, it's been a while. The following was written on February 8th.
As I sit in seat E of row 9, I find myself relaxed in a plane for the first time, well, ever. The unexpected ice and snow has created delays but all is quiet on this half empty plane, 'cept the sound of music from my iPod. So far, I've listened to T.I., Garth Brooks, and Mariah Carey and this musical mix sorta sums up my life right now- ecclectic chaos. Sometimes, a lot of positives can equal a negative. I struggle with needing more hours in the day.
Work tends to take up the bulk of my time but it leaves little room for idle thinking, a good thing. I've relocated (in Little Rock,) to a new place but I find myself in familiar territory, my old "running" neighborhood. Steven, my once "cute neighbor" is no longer my neighbor though he has entered the picture again. I've been hesitant and cautious. Fortunately, my schedule leaves little time to give too much thought to boys. That includes him.
Most of my good friends are married, getting married, parents, or almost parents. Bittersweet. And yes, still always the bridesmaid. You know the movie, "27 Dresses," in which the leading lady is always a bridesmaid and her 27 dresses fill a closet full? 27 is child's play! Yet, I am honored and most of my friends have great taste so my collection of dresses can be worn again. Four weddings in the next few months (hopefully, no funerals.)
Writing continues, Februaryy 14th. One of my least favorite days of the year and not for the cliche assumable reasons (though that's a factor too.)
The point is, life happens. Somehow, in the midst of work, travel, weddings, music, trying to maintain friendships, I find time to do laundry, sleep (a little,) and eat. Unfortunately, time hasn't allowed for writing, exhaling. How do you find such balance? How do I give 200% and avoid panic attacks? Maybe, my resolution for 2010 should be utilization of the word "no." How do I apply it and skip the guilt? Many encourage me to use the word until it applies to them. How does a person please everyone and still find time for peace?
On my flight home from Minnesota, the gentleman beside me attempted to make small talk. I used to live for this kind of stranger interaction (he was handsome too,) but I found myself giving short answers while turning my attention towards a magazine. I think I was friendly enough, but I felt a touch on the rude side as we landed safely. Other people's lives can enrich us and I turned my attention towards an "Rolling Stone" magazine. Granted, I was reading about John Mayer, still my future husband, but... I was honestly too exhausted to listen.
Oddly, I've even found myself cutting people off when they begin a lengthy story about something I don't give a shit about and that's...not who I am. How do you juggle a million things- friends, people, etc. and quietly, kindly gain back some of your time? Retreat has always been a foreign feeling, but lately, it's felt like home.
I know more change awaits. I know it because I will force it. I've gained some divine clarity is the last couple of months and yet somehow, answers have created more questions. Sometimes I feel so small and so I lean on something bigger. Knowing my world is half tilted, I wonder what damage (and magic) will prevail at full tilt. Full tilt, as in the upside down kind. Today is my January 1st, two thousand and now. I have this constant reminder (think "Bucket List") screaming "SLOW DOWN! Do something you love. Take a vacation. Turn your phone off! The world will not stop spinning if you relax one night!!!" But I've been hushing the screams. I'm terrified of how fast my life is flying by, how fast the days, weeks, months, years rush by at insane speed.
See, even my posts are boring! So, in conjunction with enforcing the word "no," I vow to live a more interesting life, effective now. Hell, if I can find peace on a plane...