Trick or Tramp | Misadventures in the Dark

Trick or Tramp

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All of my friends dress like hookers and chances are, yours do too. Halloween. It is the one day, .27% of the year (thanks to Michael R. for correcting my mathmatical blunder,) where it is acceptable to dress inappropriately and without apology. Exploitation is encouraged. Fishnet pantyhose adorn the legs of most females. Too much makeup is always juuuust right, while less (if you know what I mean,) is most definitely more. Conservative is redefined with candy-apple red lip stick, low cut corsets, plaid miniskirts, and the courage of a cougar. Yes friends, October 31st is the one night we're allowed to pin a tail on the back of our black lingerie while telling everyone, “I’m a cat. Me-ow.”   My best friend Wes recently asked me, “When do I have to worry about my daughter wanting to dress like a prostitute? Is there an age range?” Allowing no time for thought I offer, “12 to 60. It’s innate. Women like to be somebody else just for one night. It starts early. It lasts a while.” Wes shakes his head and says, “NO! I’ll give you 16 to 39. Then your whoring days are done.” Of course, for some women, there is an assortment of roadblocks to include weight and age. As women, we are our own worst critic. Wes said, “I seriously wish some women would ask men for assistance before buying a costume. No sweetheart, at your age/weight/etc., you do not need to expose this/that/the other.” Gee, I wonder why we’re insecure!? I've been nearly every size on a ruler. There is insecurity on both sides. His next comment, “There are some costumes you wear while knowing your intent. In ‘regular clothes,’ you’re a five. When you’re wearing your school girl costume? You’re a five men want to ” I cleaned up Wes’ vulgarity. I’ll agree, we invite some it, but if we’re comfortable (whatever age, weight, etc.) we certainly shouldn’t have to ask a man’s permission. If I’m a size four at 41 (or 51 or 61,) and I feel okay, that’ll be all the permission I require.
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With Jonivan, my pre-Halloween date. 10/30

One evening as I was getting ready to go out to dinner, I stepped out wearing a short black dress with a sweater covering my bare shoulders. I had been in the sun all day, let my hair air dry, leaving it curly, while wearing little makeup and flip flops. I felt pretty. As a female, we appreciate these moments. My date said, “Are you gonna wear that out? Don’t you think it’s a little short? I mean, it’s kinda slutty.” Deflation o’ confidence. I changed into jeans. He talked me into putting the dress back on. He stole my pretty moment.
 
Do we dress provocatively because we lack creativity? Maybe, but again, I think 10/31 is the one day we step outside of our box, no strings attached. Have you seen the movie Mean Girls? Lindsay Lohan’s character attends a Halloween party where she finds she is the only girl dressed in a spooky getup. She is the conservative outcast in a crowded room of Playboy bunnies. Still, Wes believes this is the better option. “I mean, think about it. Cats are covered, I mean fully covered, in fur. Go ahead, pin the tail on and call yourself a cat. Wear a red corset, put on a horn headband and call yourself a devil. That’s fine. I’m a man. I’m gonna look. I’m gonna check you out. I’m just saying, if you’re not sure whether you should wear the furry cat costume or the skimpy cat costume, ask me and I’ll shoot you straight. I will, and it will save us all a lot of awkwardness.” God bless Wes’ wife.
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Audrey, my "Hamburglar" sister. Halloween '09.
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My Aunt Angela was "Breakfast at Tiffany's." Halloween '09.
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Amber and Angela (they're sisters.) Pre-Halloween, 10/30.
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Kate, Amanda, Angela and me. Pre-Halloween. "Dirty Thirty, Pimp and Ho" Party.
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Allison, Me, Amanda, January, Kate. Halloween '08.
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January (SEC Ref) and Scott (Hog Fan.) Halloween '09.
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With Jonivan. 10/30
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John (Rocky) and Melissa (Angel.) 10/30
Halloween has always been a special holiday to me. As a child I was a witch nearly every year. It was fun to dress in a spooky costume. As an adult, the "Wonder Woman (thanks Allison)" costume felt like a princess costume. I suppose I could've asked my date if he was uncomfortable sitting beside me while I wore a third of the clothes I'd wear on a typical Friday, but the truth is, I knew the bar crowd would more closely resemble a brothel. And what the heck, my friends are gorgeous (inside and out,) so if they want to pin a tail to their rear ends, pass 'em a pin!!

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