Fear, Satan’s most powerful tool, is the root of all evil. Fear itself is my greatest fear. It is. Fear, coupled with worry (a needless emotion,) robs us of time. It replaces joy with anxiety. As an “over-thinker,” it’s hard not to succumb to it this week. I will write this entry with a heavy heart and a head full of questions. On Saturday, October 25th, we lost Anne Pressly. I note “we” because this loss has been profound and vast while affecting many. I did not know Anne personally, nor was I familiar with her from afar. I was asleep in my bed during the time in which Anne was on the air, but I still find I am enraged.
I pray of solace for her family, friends and co-workers. I know they are left with grief I cannot imagine or pretend to understand. Though I realize it offers superficial comfort, knowing she is with the absence of fear, pain, worry, and sadness should offer a bit of peace. Justice will eventually offer more.
Until recently, I lived a handful of blocks away from where Anne was attacked. It was not an uncommon occurrence for me to fall asleep with my back bedroom door ajar. I rarely locked my doors at all because I was delusional in believing it could not happen to me. To quote another, “Our sense of safety is a mirage.” False security I assume Anne harbored as well. My doors are now closed and locked and my eyes wide open. My commonsense no longer in hiding.
My best friend, Wes, was an acquaintance of Anne’s. He works mere feet from where the nightmare occurred. Wes is unable to leave for lunch, so I frequently visit him during my lunch breaks. I visited him today like I’ve done hundreds of times before and felt a foreign feeling in a familiar place. I can’t describe with complete accuracy but I felt uneasy, nervous, heavy yet empty. Wes and I made efforts to discuss anything other than the tragedy that has lurked in all of our minds, but we found ourselves engaged despite our best efforts. Wes said, “We are not hateful people. Neither one of us is capable of really hating and yet, we both genuinely loathe the person(s) capable of such shameless evil.” Like a domino effect, the hate I feel makes me hate more.
I can’t wrap my mind around it. I would purposely wreck my car to avoid hitting a squirrel. The idea of purposely harming another living being is beyond my comprehension. Just as I cannot fully grasp the concept of infinity, I cannot get my arms around the capability of such hurt. Continually thinking about it creates insanity. I have to remind myself people are mostly good. The good guys outweigh the bad guys. I cannot borrow worry from tomorrow because tomorrow isn’t promised or guaranteed. I can only love as much as possible and live as best I can. Otherwise, my thinking becomes a hamster in a wheel running in exhausting circles.
I am hurriedly walking my dog, calling my neighbor to smoke outside with me once night falls, literally startled by my own shadow. I’ve discovered a new fear and suddenly all my other fears seem trivial. This too, inspires anger. Like hate, the anger makes me angrier. Talking with Wes aided in making some of the fear subside. Baby steps…
Saturday, the 18th, I spent the majority of the evening drinking wine and talking outside with my mom and stepdad. Ironically, we discussed the death of my grandmother (whom I lost 5+ years ago.) I miss her more as time passes. My mom asked if I eventually want children. I am still undecided, yet swayable either way. She elaborated: “If none of her grandkids have children, grandma’s memory dies. She becomes a picture in a photo album which eventually disappears. And if you don’t have children who have children and so on, your memory dies too.” How soon I learn this lacks truth. As mentioned, I didn’t have the fortune of knowing Anne, but she leaves a legacy. She will be remembered. Her light now burns elsewhere, but the memory of her light burns as a constant reminder. She will always be missed by those who knew her and by those who wish they had known her.