by Mr. Ricky
I guess I can't really shake my fist at Thanksgiving, but I do! Uhhh, family holidays are the worst right? Stress, everyone running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Ours was retarded. First, we had to have it in the garage this year because the "family" has gotten so big, but not really, see we have all these "pseudos" coming now, these people my parents have added into our lives, which I'm fine with that, with people coming for Thanksgiving and breaking breaking bread and all. What I'm not fine with, them calling my parents "Mom" and "Dad". I'm sorry, what? Are you some long lost sibling I'm unaware of? Was my father the inspiration for "One man, two families" on Lifetime?
You know the last 30 years, I'm pretty sure you weren't there during all the fights, all the lean times, all the swearing and throwing things, all the moves to new schools and new towns, all the tragedies. Nope, you weren't there, I would have totally remembered you being there when my dog got shot or when Grandpa died. Nope, you're just someone that they took under their wing for whatever reason, so you know what, I don't have to be happy that you are now someone they are going to "take care of", but I'll accept it because I love them. However, it's pretty presumptuous of you to roll up and think you can throw out that I'm your "brother" when I don't even know your middle name or tell your kids to put "Uncle" in front of my name when I already have nieces and nephews a plenty to feel guilty about not seeing enough. That's rude, you have your parents, your family and I'm sorry you don't have a good relationship with them, but hey, that's what you got, just like this is what I got, two crazees that are picking up strangers and bringing them into the family, babsitting their strangers' kids when they don't even babysit their own nieces and nephews and doing a myriad of other things they don't do for their own kids. That's what you get stuck with, you're own crazy family, you don't get to just pop into another one, so hey, could you do me a favor and at least not call them Mom and Dad in front of me, even though I know behind my back you will, but in front of me, why don't you just use their names, okay?
Wow, well, got all that out. In funnier holiday news. My three-year-old niece had to go "potty" and we had this exchange since her parents weren't around at the time (I was playing with the kids in the living room because they are infinitely more entertaining than dealing with the adults and strangers in the other room).
Niece: I have to go potty
Me: Okay? So is that something you do by yourself?
Niece: [exasperated] Yes, silly.
Me: So do you need help, or....? (What? I don't know how these things work, I just buy them toys and give piggy back rides.)
Niece: (defiantly) No! Do you need help going potty?
Me: Well, no, but I'm not three.
Niece: Well, me either, I'm three and a half! [stomps off to the bathroom triumphantly]
Nephew: She's cranky.
Me: Yes, yes she is.
They kill me with the stuff they say, they really do.
Which is why I can't believe their stupid parents (my brother and sister-in-law) act like complete idiots. My sister-in-law doesn't come to my parents' house anymore because she and my father are in a never ending passive-aggressive battle. Dad is all, "She just doesn't want to do anything and I don't know why she doesn't [do this or that with the kids, my nephew has had some early health problems and stuff]" and the Sister-in-law is all like, I'm not raising my kids like you raised yours, get over it. And I'm like, both of you get over it, you - quit acting like everyone is against you in this family, we're not, you married my brother, you knew what you were getting into and now deal with it like the rest of us. And Dad - shut your pie hole and step up to the plate, you'll go babysit these strangers kids, but not your own niece and nephew, that is some bullshit.
So that's why I'm glad it's over. All I have left is Christmas, Lord give me strength, in which while the entire clan will be back together, I have already scheduled the first of many Guitar Hero lessons for my niece and nephew, though, does anyone know if they make a mini-guitar for the little kids? They can't strum and reach the buttons, but they can freaking ROCK!
Well, there's that tyrade. Don't make me get into working on 11/23/07 at the retail store and almost having to kill some folks for being stupid.
Let me just say this: FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, DO NOT CALL A STORE ON BLACK FRIDAY, ANY STORE, AND ASK "ARE Y'ALL OPEN TODAY?"!!!!!! Yes, we're freaking open, how could we not be open today, because today is the day when all the freaks like you don't stay home and watch football, but go out on mass to save $15 on a digital camera or buy a laptop that has less memory than my car because someone told you it's "a super great deal". Now, I'm not saying there aren't deals on Black Friday, I just saying, there is no reason for the insanity that occurs on that day. People lined up at 11PM the night before, get a freaking life, you don't need to resell something on Ebay that bad.
That's it, I'm going, I'm getting worked up and I'm not doing that today, nope, not doing it.... Merry Freaking Christmas! - Mr. Rickey.