by Mr. Ricky
Well, I've found that I'm a much better reader than writer. Blogs are addictive. Not so much for what people say though some of my favorites Ninja Poodles (both versions of course), Blogography, Defective Yeti and This Fare City are filled with witty, insightful and intriguing missives on this big rock we all live on. No, it's the random information you pick up, the things other people hear about, find and then post links to and then boom, you've wasted the entire morning watching Voicemail on ABC.com, which is one of these new fangled "Webisode" shows the networks are toying with to drive traffic to their sites and test the waters of online shows [Holy F-ing Crap, new lady has a new ringer for her phone, a country song, that she neither knows the name of or the artist singing it, yet she is playing it for everyone who comes through the door! Shut it! I swear, I'm going to get a hold of her phone, put it on silent and lock the keys out with a random code I won't even know....and we're back] Now once I get the hang of one of the "aggregator sites" it's all over, I'll have no time to blog or do anything constructive.....
In other happenings with Mr. Ricktastic, I just made that up, nice, huh? I went to dinner with my parentals and my Grandmother for my Grandmother's 87th birhtday. Wow, 87, that's crazy, I can't imagine, that's almost three times my age and she's still rolling along (though as usual she said 'I just hope I can make it to 88...) Now, my parents, being devious and hateful when it comes to presents, got her socks, which she needed and wanted and are some sort of special old people socks that you can't find in Arkansas, whatever, it was a package of socks, of which my Grandmother was appreciative like anyone who gets socks on their birthday, but was secretly hoping for something fun and wonderful. And at the bottom of the sock present, forming the base, was the biggest box of Russell Stover Chocolates I think I have ever set my eyes on. Now we had just been talking through dinner about Grandmother's recent affliction with a "sweet tooth" and how this turn of events after 80+ years is going to 1) make her fat, which at 120lbs might not be that bad of an idea and 2) must be brought on because she (in her mind, not confirmed by any sort of medical professional and in that old timey terminology that only your Grandparents can throw out) has developed "Sugar" as in sugar diabetes or diabetes. She calls it "Sugar" or "The Sugar" and my parents then have to translate that into 21st Century for me. So here's my Grandmother, who already has her own Easter Basket of chocolate treats almost depleted (she asked for one, she got one, with exactly the same amount of candy as the great-grandkids) complaining about losing her girlish figure after 87years and developing life threatening "Sugar" [diabetes] that will surely cut her down before 88, and when she lays her eyes on that box of chocolates after carefully stacking the socks to oneside her face actually lit up like she was five and just got her [insert name of really cool 5 year-old toy here, I don't keep up with that set anymore]. It made me laugh and get giddy at how happy she was and we all had a good laugh over that. It's the simple things. She also got some pajamas she had her eye on at Kohl's and some John Wayne movies that she wanted, but doesn't like, she just watches them because she used to watch them with her second husband, who passed last year during 2006: Mr. Rickey's one funeral a month year, wooo, that was fun, and now she just does it out of habit and because she's a little lonely sometimes.
So after present opening, and why do old people always want to save the wrapping? I think it's because she grew up through the depression as a kid and she just naturally feels like there's a second use for evertying. Mind you, she has owned a dishwashing machine for over 40 years at her various residences, yet she, herself, has not once used one. There is some concern the one she currently has will spray water all over the kitchen if used since the gaskets are probably drided out. She's crazy and I love it! She says she's been the dishwasher her whole life, why change now and I can respect that. It took me my entire adolescence to get her to use the remote control for the television, baby steps. So during our sit down discussion last night, which I regretfully have few and far between of with her, I learned some new things that reminded me that old people may be old and not hip and have no idea what a blog is, but they can lay down some knowledge and throw some info at you that will blow your mind:
1. During the depression she went to school, worked in a button factory sorting out the bad ones and took care of her younger brother (who was killed in "The War", WWII, she doesn't consider anything since then to have been much of a skirmish.) She was like 10, when I was 10 I was doing well to brush my teeth and not leave my GI Joes on the stairs for Dad to step on.
2. She's been drinking coffee since she was 4, cause sometimes that's all they had, and she gave it up 3 months ago, COLD TURKEY, and is now strickly Green Tea and Sprite. COLD TURKEY! As I chug down cup two of the morning....
3. She has not once, once, used a computer for anything. She writes, with a pen and paper, "letters" and "calls" people on her phone just to chat....WHAT? No attachements, no texting.....
4. During the depression, for breakfast, they ate "Coffee Soup". Coffee Soup is made by ripping up some bread, adding some condensed milk, a little sugar and coffee in a bowl. I guess they didn't have Wheaties.
[Ahhhhh, new woman is the worst. Today's story: she left a bunch of chocolate on the table and her dog somehow got on the table and ate what amounts to about half a pound of chocolate. And she's just laughing and telling it like it's hysterical. They have not consulted a vet about the problem, the dog is still alive this morning, everyone pray. She's the worst, poor doggie. Yeah, maybe next you SHOULD put it up in the cabinet, that's why we have the opposable thumb you twit! The worst.]
5. Her late second husband[we're back on my Grandmother, not New Woman, who is the worst], from the same era, up until he died last year, ate, every night before bed, saltine crackers mushed up with milk.... read that again.....old people are weird y'all.
6. She makes her own cake frosting, that has to be cooked, or would if she still baked cakes, she has turned all baking duties over to my mother or my sister-in-law, but will offer to help (but she really can't) and will advise them (even though sometimes she shouldn't) about all the things they are doing wrong whilst making her recipes. I'm attempting her Three Apple Pie for the Fourth of July, she has promised to stick around long enough to see me actually make a pie crust from scratch.
7. My aunt sent her flowers, and they're nice, real nice. But Grandmother said, "They'll just die like everything else and I can't wear them, I can't eat them and that vase is just going to the Good Will when they're gone. I thought she was going to send candy." I love her.
8. She has not once driven a car, like myself, she prefers to be chauffered.
9. She has outlived almost everyone she grew up with and her friend Donna, who doesn't know her real age, is her closest contemporary, though she doesn't know Donna's real age either, they don't talk about that stuff.
10. When she gets on a roll she'll mix your name up with the thing she was telling you about, "Now chocolate, I'll tell you, I really love Rickey after my dinner." And it's a sign of her "old timers" coming on (she won't attempt pronouncing Altzheimers), but it's also adorable because it makes her laugh. And that gets lauging. You have to laugh at yourself, dear, or you'll make yourself cry.
11. She has had two toes, one on each foot removed, because it was either that or wear bigger shoes (this has been like 40 yrs. back when she was still wearing fashionable heels and junk). She says you don't need 10 toes, she's proof. Take that Janice Dickinson!
She's the best, I hope she sticks around as long as she wants to and then gets out of her quick and painless.
Well, off sentimental lane, I've got important work to do people, all of it concerning catching up on the Black Donnelly's!
Be good, confidentially, Mr. Rickey.
PS: LOST was good this week, but who didn't see that coming last week, hello, everyman for themself... but I think she'll come around.
PPS: Thank God You're Here, was okay, Kevin Neeland was a pro and had the show actors quaking in their boots, but I thought it was going to be much longer sketches and more structured, like people kept coming through the door, anyway, it doesn't look that hard to me, seriously, these are the best comics in the country, they should be cutting these things to shreds. They should allow some of the Second City kids on there.