Yes, you should buy these horrible gifts because they are hysterical and will provide years of great holiday stories amongst friends and family.
"Remember when Lucas got me that light up tie that swore at you in French, good times!"
You should not buy them if you intend for them to be actual presents...
In no particular order of ridiculousness:
Pimp My Ride, the game - that's right, not only has MTV run this program into the ground by putting crap into vehicles that isn't just unecessarry but dangerous, sure, why not brew beer in the back of your 1980 Suburban or put a fire pit in the bed of a '65 El Camino? Well, now you can be the master of your Pimped Ride domain with Pimp My Ride, the game. (Actual Game Description:) Enter Pimp City, where bling is king, and style is everything. On these streets, if your car isn't fully pimped out, you'd be better off walking. You and Xzibit will take on the challenge of hooking up your homies, and transforming their hoopties, buckets and beaters into the hottest whips on the street, while redlining through the highways and alleyways of Pimp City. You choose the mods, you choose the route, but pimpin' ain't easy. It will take speed and style to hook them up. Do you have what it takes to Pimp Their Ride?
Well, I don't know if I have "what it takes", but if that isn't the worst premise for a video game since "Kris Kros - Make My Video" I don't know what is.
Holiday Ties - any holiday, not just Christmas, is turns lame-o once embolden on a necktie. Do you really want your father in a board meeting wearing this?:(I know, I do too, ha,ha,ha. I love how the Spongebob is square at the bottom, nice touch and an omage to the 80's woven tie):
Fruitcake - bleck! Just the sight of this picture made me throw up a little in my mouth, it's okay, I swallowed it. Fruitcake is the worst (and that's not some homophobe remark you "p.c.ers"!) I mean, seriously, what says I hate you and I hope you die more than a loaf of stale bread made with too much ground clove and marbled throughout with "candied fruit" and nuts and some jellatin things I really don't know the origins of. Uhhh, candied fruits, gross, no matter what Food Network personality tries to say they are back in fashion, fruitcake is gross y'all. No wonder their sunk in booze, that's the only reason to attempt eating one. However, it is fun to pass one around, year after year and see who gets stuck with it when everyone dies.
I will not perpetuate this food by giving a link to buying it, rather, click to read about our dear Fruitcake Lady, who passed earlier this year.
Tickets to a reading of :
Ayn Rand's A Selfish Christmas (1951)
In this hour-long radio drama, Santa struggles with the increasing demands of providing gifts for millions of spoiled, ungrateful brats across the world, until a single elf, in the engineering department of his workshop, convinces Santa to go on strike. The special ends with the entropic collapse of the civilization of takers and the spectacle of children trudging across the bitterly cold, dark tundra to offer Santa cash for his services, acknowledging at last that his genius makes the gifts -- and therefore Christmas -- possible. Prior to broadcast, Mutual Broadcast System executives raised objections to the radio play, noting that 56 minutes of the hour-long broadcast went to a philosophical manifesto by the elf and of the four remaining minutes, three went to a love scene between Santa and the cold, practical Mrs. Claus that was rendered into radio through the use of grunts and the shattering of several dozen whiskey tumblers. In later letters, Rand sneeringly described these executives as "anti-life." [Many thanks to Whatever Blog] Wow. Actually, I think that might be nice little show... this just made me laugh, check out the other failed Chirstmas specials at the Whatever blog.
Gift Cards - Sorry, gift cards are copt outs. A gift card says, I didn't have the time, the insight or the desire to shop for you, go get ya something nice. Now I love gift cards, I give them all the time, their perfect for the giver and you have the illusion that the person will get something they will actually enjoy. Truthfully, in our go-go-go, self-centered society, we forget that you can shop throughout the year for presents, not just 12/19-12/24. We forget it's not about the gift, but the thought that counts, the thought put into the gift. I mean we might as well just give each other cash and be done with it. Here's what to watch out for when you do get those gift cards this year courtesy of CNN.
Matching Christmas Sweaters - now see this was a nice, normal, American family at one time. And then someone got the bright idea that they should take a "cute" picture, all wearing the same sweater and that's when it all went downhill. This is just sad, do we not know you're a family? And were those the best sweaters you could find, really? Plus, where is little Rosco's sweater, see if you had committed to the dog as well, I would have said, yes! There's a crazy family I can support. This is just lame and makes me cringe to think about the "letter" on the reverse telling us all about the crap you did this year that we don't care about...
Wacky Pajamas - along the same vein as the Christmas Sweater, which should only be worn as a joke or by people from Wisconsin, the "wacky pajama" gift needs to stop. Guess what, kids don't like the pajamas that make them look like huge stuffed animals, the only people who do are plushees... wow... Also, matching pajamas for the whole family, lame, get over yourselves, seriously. And this dude to the left, he needs a courtesy punch in the gut, that's ridiculous. Though I do enjoy some footie pajamas, I don't want "Vegas & Cards"...
Peanut Brittle, Popcorn Tins and Store bought Homemade Cookies - NO! NO!... I said NO! Nothing says I hate you and didn't want to get you a real gift more than manufactured food. Peanut Brittle should be served in a 2x2 inch square so you can remember what it tastes like and not have a pound left over for the next three monts, slowy turning into one, large, mound of goo. Flippin store bought, bake at home cookies are the worst, it's like you're trying to trick me into thinking you made cookies, ridiculous. Either make cookies from scratch or don't bring me cookies. Just bring me the $2.35 wrapped in a $50 bill and call it even. Don't insult my intellegence or my health with these prefab, -icerins laced delicacies. And finally, the "triple-delight tin of popcorn". Hey, I'm so lazy, I can't even pop popcorn so I went out and bought this ugly tin full of stale popcorn (at the checkout) that you will force down over the next two months while watching the DVDs you got from your other friends who care and whence you are finished you'll try to throw the tin away, but will keep it thinking you'll use it for something. DO NOT BUY THESE ITEMS, THEY ARE NOT PRESENTS, THE ARE TRAPS SET BY RETAILERS TO THINK YOU'VE FOUND A PERFECT LAST MINUTE GIFT. [sigh] I know some of you will go out and buy them anyway...
Socks - again, this goes with underwear and under shirts. Thank you, yes, I could use some new socks, thank you. Wait, that's it? Really? So everytime I wear these three pairs of non-descript black socks I should think of our friendship? I'll do that... don't get me started on the underwear. Think about it, would you really like to get socks and underwear for Christmas and that's it? Well, it takes all kinds I guess...
Well, that's all I got, I had this wonderful post with links and funniness and stuff and then I lost it by not saving when I thought I saved on here and frankly, I can't go through another 5 hours of posting and looking up links. I'm pretty sure if you google any of this you'll find everywhere I got stuff from.
Confidentially tired and wishing for business socks, Mr. Ricky.
email me at email@example.com if you have things you want covered confidentially.