Well, I'm back people! I have been on hiatus for a while due to some personal tragedies last week. Most notably, a friend of mine took his own life (officially it was ruled "undetermined" I think)). Since then there's been a hailstorm of sadness, anger, frustration and confusion surrounding me. At first I didn't know what to do, how to feel, I was just lost really. I sat at work for a good two hours going through the ADG for proof, calling people and praying irrationally this was just some sick Halloween joke perpetrated by tons of people who kept calling and emailing for information, to share condolences and generally perpetually remind me of what had happened. At one point, I thought I was going to be physically sick, I thought everything inside me was going to turn inside out on my desk and then who was going to clean that up? It was awful. I just focused on the work I had to get done and when I got caught up I was going to leave. It took me two hours to write and send an email to my office about the whole situation. I couldn't bring myself to make it tangible by typing it. Then when someone came in to ask me what was wrong, pre-email, I lost it. I never lose it, especially at work, never, and I couldn't even get it out of my mouth before this wave came over me. I'm pretty sure my head spun around and I was speaking Aramaic for a minute. I threw my hands in the air, sent the email and told everyone I was gone for the day and wouldn't be in the next. I had to get out of there; the office is no place to be in a time of despair. I mean The Office (NBC, 7:30 CST) is- but my work environment depresses me even on the best of days.
So I went home. I ate a filet-o-fish and a super sized fries. I watched television and tried not to let my heart break anymore. I petted my dog, she licked my face, she sensed something was wrong. I was and I am so pissed off about this, and I'm not sure I'm supposed to use "pissed" in this blog, but I'm using it, so deal! This is such B.S., killing yourself or even putting yourself in a dangerous enough position where you accidentally kill yourself, is ridiculous. I mean unless the gates to your fortress are being knocked in by invading forces bent on torturing the secret location of the resistance from you OR there's only enough air for one person and it's you and the person who can cure AIDS or you've made your peace with God and want to end the pain of your suffering with some incurable disease (which even then, I don't know if I'm totally sold on that one, but I'm not trying to tell you how to manage your healthcare) maybe, just maybe, you can throw the towel in. But over nothing, and I won't go into any of the speculations, etc., because that's not what this is about, but over what in the grand scheme of things was "nothing", is really a shameful and tragic waste.
This isn't the first time I've lost someone close to me this way, and with the kind of eccentric friends I seem to cultivate, it's probably not the last, but that doesn't make it any easier to cope with when it happens. I mean suicide is this selfish act, in which everyone around you not only feels the pain of your death, but the pain of not knowing what they did or didn't do that led you to this place. I mean it's not like there were signs of this impending predicament, at least not signs that were out of the ordinary or ones anyone would have been looking for. I mean you don't usually watch your friends for signs they may hurt themselves all the time. Sure, he had been a little mopey, but no more mopey than usual. And I didn't see anything like this coming, thus why part of my brain could only process it as a joke for the first six hours. It just couldn't be true, not this kid, not now.
But it is true and everyday all of us who knew him have to move through life. We have to put some of the sadness away and hold on to the memories as they begin to fade into our minds. I truly didn't have enough time with him, only a little over a year. I can't imagine what his roommate is going through or his best friend from since high school and if I think about his parents, I won't be able to finish this, because it makes me think of how my parents would react and that rips my heart out and throws it in the wood chipper. I was just getting to know him, what made him tick, what made him the person I loved and loved to be around. Who will I have in-depth conversations about Heroes, Battlestar Galactica, the Office and LOST with? Who will introduce me to awful foreign horror films and the latest in technological gadgetry? Who will I rock out with till 5 a.m. while waxing poetically about the lackluster SNL cast and who will be the next Jimmy "Can't Keep a Straight Face" Fallon? We were going to go see Borat and Spider Man 3 and 300. Who's gonna do all that now? Who's going to challenge me in Photoshop myspace comments?! I don't know.
I can't replace this person, none of us can. That, again, sorry about the language, pisses me off. It makes me want to judo chop his shins! I almost texted him last night after Heroes: SAVE THE CHEERLEADER, SAVE THE WORLD per usual immediate texting after the show. I couldn't because he's not around anymore, and that kills me and that killing me, pisses me off. And I've gone up and down my memory looking for things I could have done, said, not done, not said, what I missed or dismissed - and there's nothing and I know it's not my fault, I didn't do this to him, but I feel like it is, I feel like there should have been someway to stop all this and that too pisses me off. I shouldn't have to feel that way. I didn't do this, I didn't schedule this, I didn't get on some waiting list for tragedy. AND ON FREAKIN HALLOWEEN EVE? Seriously, so that's the holiday you have mark for the rest of my life? Hmmmm, couldn't have done Memorial Day, the Winter Solstice or Flag Day? Dang it!
So, I watched Heroes last night and Battlestar Galactica (there's a re-run of the previous week's episode on Mondays at 9PM CST, which is nice because I don't have that fancy DVR technology and there are only 8 recording slots on my VCR and they're all taken, though I hear Friday Night Lights is getting cancelled (HELLO!? But we're keeping Biggest Loser?) so I may have one open up - I digress.) And I shed a few tears and talked out loud to my buddy about the repercussions of what had transpired, and that I wished he were around so we could make fun of how miraculously Apollo had lost 100 lbs. in an episode and then had a three minute scene with no shirt on to make sure the audience saw he was really just wearing a fat suit all that time. But no, I was just talking to myself like a nut job (which isn't the first time, I still give a mad shout out to Brian when I hear Freebird, don't ask) and I didn't have anyone to text; I did, but not anyone who would enjoy it nearly as much.
Well, well, I guess I just needed to get some of that out. There will be another memorial service this week, and it should be the fun, celebrating his life sorta thing and I think that will help a bit. I'm still mad though, I swear he better be glad he's dead, because I would kick him where the good Lord split him, ICU or not if he were alive. And how I wish I could do that, because that would mean he was still here. And I think he owed me four dollars, and I still have his copy of Spiderman2 the game, what do I do with that now? I mean do I return that to his parents? Ahhhhh! Okay, I'm done on this. I may post more eloquent remembrances of him later on. Thanks for reading and J6, wherever you are right now, I love you.
Confidentially, heart broken - Mr. Ricky
PS: If you are even contemplating thinking about possibly in the future at some point hurting yourself in any way please contact the following:
The Crisis Center - Crisis Prevention and Intervention Services 1-888-274-7472
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-784-2433