by Max Brantley
For the time being, and it may be short, I appear to be in business. So best of the day to everyone. Thanks to Darby Wallace of Newport for a photo of a mature ginkgo in her hometown that does indeed, as she put it, beat my gingko. Lucky Newport.
I"m also sticking on the jump, for entertainment value, an e-mail that's going around. I think it's been going around for years, though it perhaps has been updated. It's about a new line of Barbies tailored to Central Arkansas. If you don't like broad generalizations and unfair stereotyping in the name of cheap humor, don't look.
Us: Relish tray, turkey, cornbread dressing, sweet potato casserole with marshamallows on top, green beans, homemade (by me) yeast rolls, gravy, cranberry sauce, pecan and pumpkin pie (by Franke's), red, red wine, son, niece, sister, brother-in-law, brother-in-law, sister-in-law. All that's missing -- and it's a lot -- is a daughter. I hope everyone's day is as good as ours seems likely to be. There is, yes, much to be thankful for.
Central Arkansas Barbie® Dolls
Barbie® announces the release of models of Limited Edition Barbie® Dolls for the Central Arkansas Area:
Heights Barbie®: This trendy homemaker Barbie® is available with your
choice of Lexus SUV or Ford Wind star minivan. She gets lost easily west
of Reservoir Road and has no full time occupation. Traffic jamming cell
phone sold separately. Available with or without tummy tuck and face-lift.
Workaholic Ken® sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.
Optional matching tennis outfit.
Pine Bluff Barbie®: This recently paroled Barbie® comes with a 9mm
handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with tinted windows and her own Meth
Lab kit. This model is available after dark and can be paid for only in
cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you're a cop. Then we
don't know what you're talking about.
Chenal Barbie®: This yuppie Barbie® comes with choice of a BMW sports
car or a souped up Hummer 2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit
card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow
Ken® and Private School Skipper®. But you can't afford them anyway.
Levy Barbie®: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans
two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and has a tattoo of a Tweety bird on
her shoulder. She has big, stiff hair, a six-pack of Coors Light and a
Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and can kick
Mullet-haired Kenny doll's butt when she's drunk. Purchase her pickup
truck separately and get its confederate flag bumper stickers
Pleasant Valley Barbie®: This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie®
wears a leopard-print ski outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while she
entertains friends at the club. Percocet prescription available.
Hillcrest Barbie®: This doll is made of actual tofu, has long gray hair
and arch less feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. She
prefers that you call her "Willow."
Bryant Barbie®: This doll comes complete with a built in voice recorder
that plays "I'm not from Benton, I'm from Bryant." This doll is somewhat
mysterious and doesn't fit in with Barbies® from other cities. She is
still attending her Narcotic Anonymous meetings to kick the cocaine habit
she formed in high school. Comes complete with derrière tattoo that peeks
out over her low-rider jeans and the latest "Chronic" CD.
Benton Barbie®: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie® has a pair
of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she
chased her beer-gutted boyfriend out of Bryant Barbie's house. Her make-up
is dark red lip liner with your choice of lips covered in a sparkly pink
or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans
with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back and a white
see-through halter-top. Accessories include: tape player equipped with Bon
Jovi and a 1989 Camaro with T-Tops.
Haskell Barbie®: This Barbie® is the same model of Barbie® that was
released in 1982. She comes with shoulder pads, dark polyester skirt,
white panty hose and a bad haircut. Comes with a boom box playing Kool and
the Gang. Optional Brock-abrella available for days at the ballpark.
Southwest Little Rock Barbie-cucita : This Barbie® comes in brown or
black with fourteen interchangeable hair weaves, seven sets of
multi-colored press on nails and hoop earrings. Complete with her 1985
Cutlass Supreme Limited in primer gray or speckled purple and spinner
rims, and includes her mo-fo Kenneth, Big K Anderson, optional bling bling
accessory kit. Barbie-cucita can come with 3 up to 7 children and gold
teeth with the "Yo Momma" accessory kit.
Conway Barbie®: Comes with either Chevy Tahoe Limited Edition or Toyota
Camry with child seat, Stoby's cheese dip and a church of your
denominational choosing bumper sticker. Wal-Mart Super center play set
sold separately. Commuter Ken® is stuck in traffic and will not be
available until Fall 2007.
Maumelle Barbie®: Comes with Mazda Miata or Toyota 4Runner, CAC window
decal and a chip on her shoulder. Suburb Ken® is included with golf clubs
and Chevy truck. Psychotic private school children sold separately.
Edgehill Barbie®: Comes with 500 S Class Mercedes, Mikimoto Pearls and
round trip airfare for herself a Dr. Ken® to New York. Miniature Terrier
comes attached to passenger seat. Botox and Collagen maintenance kit
required. Currently the Edgehill manor play set requires escrow service
for purchase, credit check will apply.
Mayflower Barbie®: Comes with doublewide trailer play set, 3 dogs, and a
Polaroid of Kenny Ray who is currently serving 3-5 for Meth possession,
drunk and disorderly, and urination on a government vehicle. 1985 Ford
Taurus with no hubcaps sold separately.
Texas Transplant Barbie®: This Barbie® comes with a Ford SUV (with Texas
plates), a knife to stab other Barbies® in the back, and tons of makeup.
Carnivore Ken® sold separately.