Columns » Bob Lancaster

Predicting 2013

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Here are some predictions for the coming year. On the whole, the list looks pretty encouraging, following all the doom and gloom of 2012.

Wasting no time:

Huckabee is fired by Fox, which decides he's "too nutty."

Gohmert proposes a dime recall to remove Franklin D. Roosevelt's face and replace it with that of Tailgunner Joe. Bachmann signs on. Coulter endorses. Limbaugh would rather the mug be Buckley Jr. Or, he throws out modestly, himself.

The Rep decides the time has finally come when it can do "Hair."

GOP fete postponed as state chairman says "a couple of wills came up that I had to attend to."

Estes law requires teaching of the Bible as "literature" in Arkansas public schools. Non-fiction.

Entire Ouachita National Forest spontaneously combusts. Officials deny climate-change connection. SBC protests calling it an act of God.

Glen Campbell launches another Farewell Tour, having forgot the just-ended last one.

Arkansas moon rock disappears again. Somebody somewhere assumed to care.

Peabody ducks slaughtered and put on the room-service menu when Marriott takeover formalized.

Bishops say molestation venial; birth control, down to coitus interruptus, pre-emptive murder.

Mark Pryor embraces weenie rep, becomes spokesman for Oscar Mayer, will wear weenie suit and drive weenie-mobile in Inaugural parade.

Iran and North Korea accidentally nuke one another back to Stone Age.

Great cloud of gnats smothers livestock in Scott County, concentrates over Dog Peter Mountain.

Bride neighs vows, groom whinnies them in rodeo wedding.

Arkansas Symphony concert program includes Mendelsohn work, "the one with the crow."

In a concession to Republicans, president signs on to paying Social Security benefits in Monopoly money.

Waldo is found lurking in most famous Jackson Pollock canvases.

High school band goes through entire academic year without once playing "Smoke on the Water."

John Boozman denies portraying the Downsy banjo picker on the swinging bridge in the movie "Deliverance." He was about the right age, and was none too swift then, either, but he hadn't yet entered show business. Movie was directed by one John Boorman, and Boozman suggests the name similarity is the reason for confusing him with the other idiot.

Eudora, Ark., endures, wonders why.

Little Rock zoo invites Rapert to be a feature attraction in its reptile exhibit.

Paragould swat patrol begins daily roundup of strollers.

First time ever, more Arkansas deer hit and killed by cars than are bagged by hunters.

In annual memorial service, Mauch, Smith cite "Boy Martyr" Dodd as "one of the main reasons the South won the Civil War."

"Sasquatch" shot by elk hunter in Newton County and brought in to Jasper taxidermist turns out to be furby in raccoon costume.

Miss Arkansas pageant adds punt, pass and kick category to swimsuit and talent competitions.

Pocket gophers overrun Independence County.

Filibuster reform filibustered in U.S. Senate.

Arkansas congressmen all draw down on each other at forum over controlling gun violence.

Suggestions for new war solicited to replace the one winding down in Afghanistan. Rationale preferred but optional. Needn't make sense, either.

Biden break dances at Inaugural. Critical raves for spinning headstand.

Texas biology textbooks require Adam and Eve to be fair-haired honkies, him with a loincloth, her with a long T-shirt saying "I'm With Stupid."

Obamacare death panels select first grannies for Soylent Green program to replace food stamps.

Asa! launches campaign for governor but limits appearances on account of he has to be back in the crypt by sundown.

In final interview, Billy Graham says he plans to take it with him.

Wal-Mart outsources greeters' jobs to Asian countries where oldtimers will work for whatever shoppers drop into their tin cups.

Freethinkers claim first Christmas story "just made up."

Impish smile mysteriously appears on face of Christ of the Ozarks.

Labor union membership outlawed in "right-to-work" states.

Rudolph becomes first celebrity victim of War on Christmas when shot by Sarah Palin from a low-hovering helicopter. She field-dresses him, cuts off the famous nose to mount as a wall-trophy. Leaves meat for wolves or scavenger Eskimos.

Completion of highway construction work at I-630/I-430 interchange predicted to occur on same day that Hell freezes over.

To no one's dismay, Nugent institutionalized.

Griffin reveals he got on Ways and Means Committee without knowing what either a way or a mean is.

Villines bridge proposal amended to make it look more like a filched segment of the Las Vegas Strip.

Benton County's lone Democrat tests sunset law; loses.

James Dobson turned into pillar of salt. Providential displeasure supposed but metamorphosis scientifically inexplicable; Lot's wife recalled.

John Boehner, claiming he's tired of being pulled this way and that, runs off.

Trump wig stolen, turns up on scarecrow. Causes crows to retch. Wig custodian told "you're fired."

Glenn Quagmire named Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine, though he's technically not a man, technically not alive, and has nads that have to be inferred.

American Idol crown taken by old codger who's winning performance is pooting "Battle Cry of Freedom" recognizably.

Petraeus does the honorable thing, commits Harry Caray. Holy cow!

Museum director asks well-known Eureka Springs author, "You any kin to them Saline County Dragonwagons?"

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